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Ideas I should probably bury for all eternity | by rebill | 2013-07-15 21:30:50 |
| Usenet Oracle 513-5 |
by rebill |
2014-02-25 09:36:57 |
I wrote part of this ... in 1992. It still amuses me, 22 years later.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> Dear Oracle Trans-Light Shipping Industries,
>
> I, the undersigned have recently received the new Intel Optium
> based computer that you will be advertising in the year 2004. My staff
> is impressed with the speed of the delivery, but are unhappy with two
> flaws found in your design. Unless these flaws are corrected, we will
> be forced to terminate our contract with you, per contract section
> II.4-r dated November 15, 2000.
>
> a) All of my employees who have used the computer started suffering
> withdrawal symptoms when kept from using the equipment for more than
> a few hours. Each person also tested positive for illegal
> substances after using your equipment. Further tests eliminated all
> possible sources of these results other than your equipment.
>
> b) the same high levels of Beta and Gamma radiation have been detected
> from your new machines as were detected in your earlier Pentium,
> Hexium, and Septium based units.
>
> These radiation levels have forced our insurance rates through
> the roof, and since we will be <ZOT>ed in turn by the Programmer's
> Union (again), the Insurer, the Federal Goverment (again) and by your
> August Personage, we drew straws, and I got the short one to complain
> to you.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> William Gates-Clone #4a/jjs#2c
>
> General Manager MicroSouthWest,
> one of the baby-Microsoft companies.
> Jul 3, 2000.
>
> P.S. Have you ever noticed that Bill-Prime never seems to draw a short
> straw?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} My Dear Mr. Gates(4a),
}
} What you describe as "flaws" in the system happen to be precisely what
} you ordered. My review of the purchase order authorized by an
} unreasonable facsimile of BillPrime states that you wish to purchase
} several "Intel Opium-based computers," and that is precisely what I
} shipped. Is it any surprise that your programmers show withdrawal
} symptoms? Better computing through chemistry, I say! I also say to
} proofread your damn purchase orders. Doesn't Microsoft have an
} error-checking word processor? That works?
}
} As for your second "flaw," I recall that one of the major selling
} points for you was our patented Oracular True Random Number Generator,
} capable of generating numbers so random that only the Oracle can
} predict them. It quite clearly says in the fine print that the OTRanG
} contains several radioactive isotopes and DNA strands from
} Schroedinger's cat, right there between the list of standard options
} and the warning against use of woodchucks as mousepads. You have
} no-one but yourself to blame for your problems.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} Oracle
} Oracle Trans-Light Shipping and Transmission Repair
}
} PS Yes, I have noticed, I'm the Oracle, you pinhead. I've also
} noticed that BillPrime thinks he owns the North Pole, Monticello,
} Millie the Dog, and plans to sue his wife for producing a child with
} the milkman's "look and feel."
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