This took place about 6 months ago, and it really freaked me out. I had my first "drinking" dream (addicts call them "using" dreams - same thing). Basically, a dream about drinking. In the dream, I was in Las Vegas, and I had a hotel to go to. I was on a bus and I had my luggage. Along the way I stopped at a liquor store and loaded up on booze. I had shopping bags FULL of booze. Then, I'm back on the bus with my bottles and my luggage, and I start drinking...so of course I miss my stop. I figure "what the hell, I'll stay on the bus until it comes around to the hotel again" Miss the stop again, still drinking, and jealously guarding all of this stuff. Miss the stop a third time, so I decide to get off and hoof it.
The city in the dream didn't resemble Las Vegas in ANY way at all, but I knew it was Las Vegas. Dreams are funny that way.
So I'm off of the bus and I'm at an intersection waiting for the light to change so I can cross. Still drinking and discarding empty bottles where I finish them. My brother is suddenly next to me and he hits the crosswalk button. I forget to cross the street because I'm too busy drinking, and some bag lady comes out of nowhere and STEALS MY BOOZE! She ignores the luggage but grabs the bag full of booze and runs across the street just before the light changes and I have to wait.
I'm hitting the button furiously and as soon as the light changes again, I take off after her, leaving my bags by the curb. My brother is gone. I'm running through twisting, narrow streets looking for this b5 that STOLE MY D*MNED BOOZE.
I don't catch her. Instead, I wake up, drenched in sweat, and STILL PISSED OFF THAT SHE STOLE MY BOOZE! It was just a dream, but I was SO ANGRY.
This dream scared the living s4 out of me, and I called my sponsor (at 5:30 in the morning, no less). He told me to calm down because these kinds of things are normal. "Using" dreams will continue to haunt me for several more years (luckily I've only had 1 more).
I'm just now realizing it (6 months later, close to 10 months sober), but the REASON I was so scared was not because I was drinking in the dream, but because I had NO control over what was happening. I dream lucidly, and when something in a dream starts to feel bad, I usually become instantly aware that it is a dream, and I exert control over the dream and change what's happening. I don't do this for normal dreams, just "bad" dreams. This was a VERY BAD dream, and I had NO control over it. THAT was terrifying.
The 3rd step is a constant struggle for me. I *HAVE* made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of the God of my understanding. Actually DOING it is not as easy. I keep trying to take the wheel back, and I notice that life gets harder when I do. So I let go and put God back in control, and things straighten up...but I don't like NOT being in control, so I try to take the wheel back. Lather, rinse, repeat.
The loss of control is what really scares me, and until I learn to keep a tighter reign on my OWN tendancies to try to control every aspect of my life, ESPECIALLY those areas that I *KNOW* from experience I *CAN'T* control, I'll always struggle with it.
It is, however, nice to know that I'm not alone in this, because LOTS of other alcoholics that I talk to have the same issues. :) Hey, if THEY can stay sober, then so can I. |
