AJ and a friend bring a new video camera into the Columbia Internet office and capture shots and interviews of several members of staff behaving like, er, well, behaving just like geeks with a camera stuck in their faces.
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SCENE OPENS WITH AJ STANDING, ARMS FOLDED, SPEECH BALLOON.

TRANSITION FROM STATIC IMAGE TO MOTION WITH VIDCAM ELEMENTS - RECORD LIGHT AND MESSAGE, BATTERY INDICATOR.

AJ LOOKS AT THE SPEECH BALLOON, COUGHS, GRABS THE BALLOON, CRUMPLES IT INTO A BALL (SOUND OF PAPER BEING CRUMPLED) AND TOSSES IT ASIDE.

AJ
We won't be needing those today. [CLEARS THROAT]

AJ
Hi, I'm AJ Garrett. I'm the creative media engineer ['WEB GUY' FLASHES ON SCREEN] for Columbia Internet. I'm having a little fun with the new camcorder I just got, so I thought I'd show you around the place where I work and maybe meet some of my co-workers.

CAMERA FOLLOWS AJ AS HE WALKS DOWN HALL AND TO HIS WORKSTATION

MONITOR HAS MINESWEEPER/SAILOR MOON - AJ QUICKLY BLOCKS SCREEN

AJ
This is my desk...where I...uh...um...well, heh. That is, this is where I do all of the important stuff that I do, that needs to be done.....by me.....here. That is to say, I do it....when it needs doing. [WEAK GRIN, EMBARASSED LOOK] Any questions? No?

AJ
Moving right along, hey, there's Mike Floyd. Mike's our network engineer, let's go say hello to him. Hey Mike!

PAN TO MIKE. MIKE IS CRAMMING PEZ INTO HIS FACE, THEN SCANS BETWEEN THE CAMERA AND AJ

MIKE
[WHISPERS] You didn't tell me you were doing this today! Um, Hey. [NODS TO CAMERA AND FAKE-GRINS BRIEFLY]

MIKE SCANS BETWEEN A.J. AND CAMERA - A.J. MAKES 'GET GOING' NOISES

MIKE
I'm Mike Floyd. I'm the network engineer here. I'm um responsible for managing all of the routers and maintaining our network. We're running a variety of boxen here, but they all talk to the Roto-router 4000s on the rack in the machine room. We have an OC-3 throttled to 15 megabits at the moment, and I'm analyzing reports this week to see when we'll have to bump our ceiling up

CAMERA PANS AWAY SLOWLY AS IF FALLING ASLEEP, AUDIO DRONES SOMEWHAT. MIKE ADJUSTS HIMSELF TO STAY WITHIN THE CAMERA ANGLE

MIKE
and oh boy, can that ever cause trouble if you don't maintain a keen sharp eye on your load balancing. Load balancing at the switch would be nice, but right now we don't have that luxury

CAMERA PAN OVER HIS SHOULDER TO VIEW HIS 'PEZ DRAWER' COLLECTION

MIKE
and um........oh that....heh well, it's only Pez. It's not like it's addictive. I can stop anytime I want to.

[MIKE BACKS INTO DRAWER TO HIDE THE EVIDENCE, THEN STARTS BEATING HELL OUT OF THE KEYBOARD 'SURREPTITIOUSLY' - SCREEN FLASHES]

MIKE
Oooh, will you look at that, the the pipe is full. [STARTS MUMBLING AS HE FABRICATES A LAME REASON] Of dropped packets. I'll need to, uh, pick them up off the floor.

CAMERA MOTIONS AWAY FROM MIKE AS HE IS DISTRACTED BY HIS 'URGENT' MAINTENANCE.

THE CAMERA CATCHES A GLIMPSE OF THE DUST PUPPY SCURRYING ACROSS THE FLOOR OF THE OFFICE.

VIDEOGRAPHER
What the...?

AS THE CAMERA TRIES TO FOLLOW THE DUST PUPPY, IT COMES UP TO PITR'S DESKSPACE, AND CATCHES PITR'S FEET, AND THEN PANS UP TO HIS FACE. PITR AT WORKSTATION COVERED IN 'EVIL GENIUS' DEVICES AND TECHNOMEDIEVAL GEAR. PITR LOOKS UP AND FREAKS.

PITR
Nyet! No cameras! No cameras! [MORE FAKE SLAVIC]

PITR'S HAND COMES UP TO BLOCK LENS, CAMERA IS JOSTLED THEN GOES DARK.

SLIGHTLY BROKEN EDIT IN THE FILM, IMPLYING A SECTION OF VIDEO WAS BADLY HACKED OUT. VERY BRIEF 'SUBLIMINAL' MESSAGE IN BOLD TEXT APPEARS HALFWAY INTO BAD EDIT AREA: I AM ROOT. FEAR ME."

CAMERA AND AJ WALK OVER TO GREG'S WORKSTATION. GREG IS DOING A TECH SUPPORT CALL, EVIDENTLY A VERY FRUSTRATING ONE.

AJ
...and that's how you get Lara to skinny-dip in Tomb Raider 3...anyway this is Greg, our technical support guy.

GREG
No, sir. That error message has nothing to do with the Internet. It's a Windows thing.

MUFFLED CALLER VOICE

GREG
Okay, let me get this straight. You're offended by the error message.

MUFFLED CALLER VOICE

GREG
No, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about it

ANGRY LOUD MUFFLED CALLER VOICE

GREG
All right I do have a solution for you. Open your Control Panel. Good. Click on Display. Now click on the Appearance tab. All right, now set your Desktop, Menu, Application Background, Scrollbars, Message Box and Window to White. Yes, set all of it to White. Sure, you can set the Active Window Border to White, if you really want to. Fill your boots sir. Okay. Now hit Apply. I guarantee you won't be seeing that error message again. You're very welcome sir. Goodbye.

GREG LOOKS UP AT AJ AND THE CAMERA.

GREG
What? We do what the customer wants.

MIRANDA WALKS THROUGH ROOM, READING A REPORT, OBLIVIOUS TO AJ AND THE CAMERA. CAMERA FOLLOWS MIRANDA, VIDEOGRAPHER CLEARS THROAT.

VIDEOGRAPHER
[SOTTO VOCE] Helloooo

AJ CUTS IN FRONT OF CAMERA MAKING KILL GESTURE, AND LOOKS REALLY PANIC-STRICKEN.

AJ
[TALKING WITH TEETH TOGETHER] I thought we had agreed on the Miranda thing.

STEF WALKS UP TO AJ WITH AN ARMLOAD OF PAPERS. SHOT OF BOTH STEF AND AJ.

STEF
AJ, did you put those blink tags back in like I asked? Oh [NOTICES CAMERA, STEF STRAIGHTENS TIE AND RUNS FINGERS THROUGH HAIR, THEN SMILES AN OILY SMILE]

STEF
I wasn't really expecting....Are we live? [CLEARS THROAT]...well. I wasn't expecting such attention. I'm just one of the senior managers. Basically in charge of the entire daily operations here. Not a thing goes by without my input. I wouldn't say it's a chore really, directing these misguided souls. As much as they adore me

AJ
Stef does all of our marketing here

STEF
Oh and so much more. I spend a great deal of time integrating our ERP and managing all of our B2B and B2C relationships

MIRANDA WALKS ONTO SCREEN, HALFWAY, THEN SCANS BETWEEN THE CAMERA, STEF AND AJ. AJ BEGINS TO PERSPIRE.

STEF
Of course, you can't always rely on targetted enterprise marketing

MIRANDA
What's going on?

STEF
Go away, this is MY time.

VIDEOGRAPHER
AJ's interviewing his co-workers. What's your name?

MIRANDA
Miranda Cornielle.

MIRANDA LOOKS QUESTIONINGLY AT AJ. AJ IS FROZEN WITH EYES WIDE OPEN AND A PINCHED MOUTH. VIDEOGRAPHER PICKS UP THE BALL AND CENTRES ON MIRANDA. STEF KEEPS TRYING TO FORCE HIS WAY IN TO THE FRAME, VIDEOGRAPHER KEEPS CORRECTING.

VIDEOGRAPHER
What do you do here?

MIRANDA
I'm the technical manager. I do some systems work and network engineering in addition to running the tech team.

STEF NUDGES UP TO MIRANDA IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET ON SCREEN, AND NOTICES MIRANDA'S PERFUME.

STEF
Hey, you smell...yummy.

MIRANDA
[ANNOYED] Maybe it's because I use soap.

VIDEOGRAPHER
Anything else you want to ask her AJ?

AJ IS STILL FROZEN. MAKES A STRANGE WHIMPERING NOISE WITHOUT CHANGING HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION. MIRANDA LOOKS OVER AT AJ AND SIGHS IN RESIGNATION.

LOUDSPEAKER
Code Black emergency. Repeat. Code Black.

STEF
What the hell is that?

GREG, MIKE AND PITR COME SAILING THROUGH

GREG
Outta the way!

CAMERA FOLLOWS THE TECHS A LA COPS. MUCH JOSTLING NOISE, TECHS WEARING HEAVY TECHNICAL TOOL BELTS. ENTER LUNCH ROOM.

LOUDSPEAKER
The facility is now under Code Black Protocol. You have two minutes to reach minimum safe distance.

VIDEOGRAPHER
What's going on?

GREG
The coffee machine is down. Stand back please.

SHOT OF PITR AND MIKE CAREFULLY PULLING APART COFFEE MACHINE AND EXAMINING IT.

MIKE
Big trouble. We're out of filters.

PITR AND MIKE LOOK POINTEDLY AT GREG.

GREG
No. NO. NO! I had to do that last time!

PITR
Givink it up, comrade. Is for good cause, da?

MIKE EXTENDS HAND TOWARD GREG. GREG SIGHS IN EXASPERATION, TAKES OFF SHOE, THEN SOCK AND HANDS IT TO MIKE. MIKE INSTALLS GREG'S SOCK INTO THE FILTER CUP AND RESTARTS THE COFFEE MACHINE. THE WATER COMES THROUGH BLACK WITH CHUNKS. FADE OUT TO CREDITS

MIKE
That is one grotty pot of coffee.

PITR
Maybe we should be gettink new coffee machine.

GREG
Yeah, I'm running out of socks.

END