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Dear Santa,

Yes I know this is last minute... its the story of my life. But, I have been *such* a good community coordinator this year, I mean, its not even funny how good I've been! I've done everything my Diva has asked of me, I've travelled from one end of the US to the other (and into Canada several times), met people, smiled lots, got sore footses, and only poked at Illiad when he poked at me first. And since I've been SO GOOD, I have a short list of Xmas wishes:

* Relaxation time for my darling WebDiva. She needs it.
* DSL in Sacramento that's cheap and fast. This 56k thing is killing me.
* Better organization skills. I hate being unorganzied.
* Eliminate all country boarders. They're so outdated in this new age.
* A trip to Tahiti for me. I need the vacation too.
* A better straight jacket for Illiad. He keeps breaking out of his current one.
* WARMER WEATHER IN VANCOUVER!
* A way to ship Atlanta Coke into Vancouver without customs problems (see the elimination of country boarders above)
* A PlayStation 2. They're hard to find, but you're the Big Guy, you can find me one. I neeeeeeeeed my PS2. Really. Good job research n stuff. Yup yup.
* A vacation for Mommyvis too, 'cause she's more stressed than me and the Diva combined. The Carribbean would be good.
* Aw heck, and a vacation for Daddyvis too. Everyone needs a vacation! Daddyvis would appreciate Alaska tho... get to see the place while not on military duty.
* And for my Pommiekins, a new red VW Passat, 'cause he salivates every time we see one.
* And finally, joy and happiness for our UFies. More relationships thru Peer2Peer, more UFie meets, lotsa fun at shows, and the joyousness that is UFieDom!

Lub,

Kethikinboodles

Dear Santa,
I would like an eighth layer of hell for Venture Capitalists. That is all.
Thanks Santa!
Barry aka The Chief

Dear Santa,
All I need is a lamp, and a pencil, maybe some new fingernails...ya that's all I need...ok maybe a toupee, but I don't really like them so maybe not...If I had some ham I could have some ham & eggs...if I had some eggs...ya that's all I need....ok maybe some help with receipts...I have a bad case of the receipts...bulging pockets and all...canya help me, huh canya canya??? ok mebbe a new episode of LAw & Order or WWF or the Simpsons...ya that's all I need...ok maybe a new tv to watch them on...or not 'cos the one I have werks ok...ok maybe a new tie, but I don't like to wear ties so mebbe not...ok maybe a membership in some secret society...dunno which one 'cos it's secret...do you know?

Jeez, what a load of crap...what I really need is a nice glass of single malt!

Thanks dood,
one beaner

Dear Santa,
We are especially proud of our Sales Team. They try to understand the geeks, they really do. The other day, one of them even asked if we had a copy of Quake so that they could learn to play it. Mr. Squeaky Shoes would like a travel agent genie to make sure his next business trip doesn't involve three airports, five hour plane delays, day old sandwiches for the "DINNER" meal and a home arrival of 2:30 am. The Cackler would like a "Do it Yourself" sign on her desk. The other Sales staff just won't leave her alone. She hasn't even had time to read UF comics for months now! Little Reg is a small town guy with simple tastes, all he really need is his own personal cheer team. A collection of woman from his favorite professional cheer teams, such as laker girls, Dallas cowboy cheerleaders and of course the BC lions Cheer team. Their duties would include following him around and cheering him on as he goes about his day to day adventures…. or possibly a new pair of sneakers. Assinclass would like a thought spam filter for meetings and a jar of happy pills for office grumpiness.
Thanks Santa!
The Sales Team.

Dear Santa,
Our Marketing department has been very, very good this year. They've stayed away from fluorescent colours, pop up windows and do not take candy from strangers anymore. Sparrow would like a never-ending fountain of Deep Blue Sea Martini's, preferably big enough to swim in. Our Girl-illa Marketer would like a woman's version of the Viagra Pill. We know that could be thought of as "naughty", but Santa, nice girls need it too. :) Erik the Half-a-Bee would like a better sense of humour for x-mas (he lies, he's funny), a Palm Pilot 'cause they're cool and a stapler to call his very own.
Thank you Santa,
The Marketing Department.

Dear St. Nicolas (am likink proper name),

Please be sourcink the followink items and world cultural modifications for me this Christmas:

1. Be sendink me new copy of "Management techniques of Attila The Hun". Old copy is a leetle bit blood spattered.
2. Please to be givink me coders who's vocabulary is includink words other than "No", or " Sure I can do that...with 200 hours of coding and one of your sales bodies exchanged for a useful tech".
3. I am wantink three sales peoples under my tree who never ever say, "I have e-mailed them", or "I have called them", or "I have sent them a proposal"...I am not carink if sales peoples can type, speak, or write...all I am wantink to hear is "Here is the cheque boss"
4. I am wantink the color black to be banned from women's wardrobes worldwide...no more funeral wear...givink me color or givink me death... except for twice each year, and only then as a form fittink evening gown with leeetle sparkles all over it....or anything, anytime in lace...nidink I say more.
5. And last, am wantink special world wide open huntink season on whinink buyers who's makink call sounds like: "my budget was cut", or "it's delayed until next quarter", "the investment bankers turned the tap off" or the most irritatink of all "who are you?"...just be givink me a license in my pocket, a tag in my hand and a clear 300 meter shot.

No, I don't celebrate Hanukkah, but I was informed that it starts this evening at sunset. And since I wanted to wish you all a peaceful winter solstice, it only seemed polite. :)

Be safe everyone!

All I want for Christmas is a Palm III C

All the other geeks stop
And stare at me
I can't hot sync
To Linux or PC
I can't carry emails
Or recall where I was going to be!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve
Is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas is a Palm III C,
a Palm III C,
see a Palm III C!
Gee, if I could only
Have a Palm III C,
Then I could remember when it's Christmas!

Dear Santa:

All I want for Xmas is a geek to call my own. Someone to love me, fix my computer and get me on IRC. Someone to install my software and fondle with my Internet connection. A geek-babe to be decorative at the "all important" corporate events and add to my prestige (oh she has a geek, I'm so envious). A geek who works all night and would rather play Quake than talk, so he won't encumber me with the social obligations associated with relationships. As security is a concern, he should also be a sharp-shooter with a Nerf gun and come with his own sign that reads, "Warning, Armed Geek on Premises."
Thanks Santa,
The VP Goddess of Creative.

Dear Santa,
I want the door into summer. That's all I want. And maybe a day at the spa. A day at the spa and the door into summer. Make that a day at the spa *in* summer, where the door goes. And hot and cold running waiters. A door into summer, a day at the spa in summer with hot and cold running waiters. And Sven the masseur. The door into summer where I have a day at the spa with Sven the masseur and hot and cold running waiters. That's all I want.
huggles,
WebDiva D

Dear Santa,
I want a Sun e10000 with 64 processors, a 4 terra byte raid, many many ludicrous gigabytes of RAM with a pretty little geek girl in a sundress handcuffed to the side. Should you not be able to find the gear, just send the sundress.
Go Santa go,
Kickstart.

Dear Santa,
I want a little angry snorting pig for Christmas. Well, actually… I want P-Chan. I understand that P-Chan is just a drawing in a Japanese animation, but I don't think I should limit myself to actual reality. C'mon, how boring is that? You are Santa right? Should you not be able to conjure a live P-Chan, I will accept the following substitutes: Ranma him/herself, dirty pictures of mux, two Albino lynx or a live Boba Fett. Oh! If you could fix the vertical and horizontal sync on my laptop, that would be cool too.
You rock Santa,
Sanity.

Dear Santa,
For Christmas I would like some pie, rasberry pie with ice cream. I would also like a license to smack random people without any consequences.
Thanks Santa,
your pal Yohimbe.

Send us your suggestions for what toys the elves should build and we will try to get the shelves filled by Christmas Eve.

Anyway, am making usual list, this time of those whom you call 'the Bad People,' people who are like me. If you are helpink makink list, would be wery happy to sendink you Dust Puppy poster, and of course, will send poster to your 'Bad Person.'

Comink here, and fill in form. Thankink you from deep Antarctica.

[Ed. translation - What our favourite leader of the Legion of Evil is saying is, we'd appreciate any help you can give us with marketing contacts at your workplace. There Shall Be No Spam, and we will send you and your victim a Dust Puppy poster each as a thank you. Not to mention it'll keep DarkSide Dave in Antarctica a while longer.]

The Little Quaking Boy

by Kickstart

Come they told me,
bam boom ba boom boom.
A fine new game to play,
bamboom ba boom boom.
Our largest guns we bring,
bam boom ba boom boom.
To play our new game Quake,
bam boom ba boom boom,
boom ba boom boom,
boom ba boom boom.