I will never get to see my son's face when he asks his GF for her hand in marriage.
Or the look on his face when she says yes.
Or when he says "I Do" at the alter.
Or when he kisses her at that moment after the rings.
Or when he takes her to the limo, turns to wave, and finally leaves in a chorus of cheers...
Or the look on his face when he learns he's to become a Father.
Or when he holds his child(ren) in his arms for the first time.
Or when he gazes upon her face as she lies there, baby(ies) in her arms, radiant as only a proud, new paremt can be.
Or watch the progression of years upon his face, the lines growing deeper, the smile fuller, and the changes that will gradually turn him into another vision of myself.
Or the looks of joy, pride, terror, hope, and any of the other emotions a parent has during the many phases of their own child(ren)'s developement.
Or the look on his face when he comes to me with a "What do I do?" moment about his own prodegeny that I get to give the time-honoured answer of "I told you so!"; the "Just like YOU were with ME all those years ago!" laugh.
I will never get to see my Daughter-In-Law's face for any of those events either.
I will never get to see my GrandChild)ren)... *period* ... *ever*.
I will never again see the beauty of a sunrise, a rainbow, a sunset, or the moon hanging among a field of twinkling stars.
I will never get to see a rose, or the bumblebee flitting among the petals; the hummingbird flitting between petals.
Or the calming aura of a tree softly swaying in the breeze, it's boughs dancing to a song only it can hear.
A horse galloping across a meadow, throwing it's head back, and frolicking with a flock of butterflies like only a colt can.
A squirrel nibbling on a mouthfull of nuts, bushy tail flicking back and forth, high on a tree limb.
Or a cat preening, suddenly launchuing into a headlong flight after a particularly playfull dust mote.
A dog chasing a Frisbee, leaping to catch it in the mouth, and then bring it back as covered in drool as a steak in front of a starving man.
A rainstorm painting waterfalls of tears down a window pane, prisms of colours sparkling upon the glass.
A thunder and lightning storm will never again be a display of light streaking the sky, but merely a cacaphony of noise.
The moon will never again be something beautifull to gaze upon, the stars like diamonds on velvet, and the occasional comet nothing but a fading memory.
I will never more get to drive a car, and the view out the windows is forever nothing more than a dream.
Reading a book, painting a picture, drawing a scene, making a map, or doodling a dragon are nevermore a pleasure that I can enjoy.
I am now trapped in a world of my imagination, and the walls are too thick to let me move from my prison cell.
I am slowly losing my ability to remember things I once took for granted...
I remember what a rose is, but I can no longer what "red" looked like.
I know what muy Mother's voice sounds like, but can no lionger picture her face.
I remember the feel of my cat's fur, but not what she looks like.
I know that he's my son, but the colour of his eyes is as gone as if the memory never were.
I know what a duck is, but not how the bill is shaped or how the feathers are arranged.
All the things that used to bring me joy have either been taken from me, or have been turned into things I can never-again find comfort within.
I used to enjoy playing on the computer, but now I must rely upon a synthasized voice to read everything to me in order to use it at all...
No longer can I work on it myself, because I can't *SEE* the errors to know they're there.
I can't go driving to calm my nerves, because I can't drive.
I can't curl up in my "Big, Comfy Chair" and read a good book, because I can't see to even choose a book, much less read what's inside.
I can't play video games, much less play them with my son.
I can't just go into the kitchen and fix myself a snack, because I can't tell what's in the fridge, much less what's edible... (Is that a slice of cheese? Or is it a hunk of left-over dog treat? Is that a bag of lunch meat, or is it a sack of bag of *rancid* lunch meat that isn't far-enough gone for my sense of smell to notice? And a billion other things of that nature.)
I can't just open the fridge and grab myself a soda, because is that can one of Diet Pepsi, Diet/Caffeine-Free Coke, or step-dad's beer?
I can't cook myself a bowl of soup, because I can't tell if the burners are going without risking burning myself on them... I can't tell if the soup is even warm without sticking my hand INTO the liquid or against the sides of the pot itself.
I can't bake a bit of chicken, because I don't know the oven temp, or if the meat is pink inside, not to mention the risk of burning myself just trying to get the cooking pan out.
I can't use the microwave because I can't tell if there;s metal on the food, or the temp of the setting, or even how long it went in for.
I can't even see a light at the end of the tunnel...
The tunnel is black, the walls are black, and the only light I can look forward to ever catching sight of is the ones of the flames of my own personal Hell.
And I'm already there.
=,-(c
(Goes back to bed to cry himself to sleep...)
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